I had the following post almost finished when I read Submissy’s thoughts on pleasure as a submissive and it kind of clarified my own thoughts about it. The pleasure derived from submission is very different from the pleasure derived as a dominant. It is one of the things I really like about being a switch. A quick note: Even though I generalize some points every honest D/s dynamic is unique and valuable. The following is how it works for me.
This post is for Tell me About “Pleasure” and Wicked Wednesday “Sex and BDSM” because it just fits so well for both topics.
If you have the time I suggest reading this post about caning and crying. There you will find a perfect example about submission and the kind of pleasure I derive from it. Submission is not about sex (and I mean intercourse) but about power. Even though many play sessions end with me masturbating in front of Ma’am as a reward. But this is also more about power and humiliation than the actual sexual gratification of an orgasm. It’s more akin to aftercare.
What I like about being submissive is giving up control or even better having control taken from me. It is about being weak, being needy, begging to be touched or fucked but not getting it. Being humiliated or made to humiliate myself. It is very much about pain and suffering. About punishment. About forgiveness after receiving 20 strokes with a cane for making a mistake or hurting her feelings. I like how it blends together with real life.
It sure is nice when our play leads to her riding or pegging me but it is only ever an additional and different kind of pleasure. My needs as a submissive can be met by play alone with the occasional masturbation as a reward. It is much more about the headspace I am in than actual genital pleasure.
Things are very different when I am dominant. You can read a nice example here. Dominance and sexual pleasure are very much connected. Everything I do, the spanking, the bondage, the physical dominance, my stern voice even my playful anger will ultimately lead to sex. Like my cock is the ultimate tool for dominance and punishment.
I think this is ultimately a very primal and male perspective (at least for me). Humans have sexual dimorphism. Males and females not only have different sexual organs but do exhibit other physical differences like height, weight, strength and inborn aggression. It does not say anything about our roles in society, which are much more flexible nowadays, but we also can not completely escape our basic biology.
For me it is the thought of just taking a female for my own pleasure. The sexual dimorphism gives me as a male the active and aggressive sexual organ, it gives me size and power to overcome a female’s resistance and I can just get the pleasure whenever I want. It is especially intoxicating and exciting for me as highly sensitive person, because in real life I am very empathic and conscientious. Now of course one can not do such things in a civilized society although it sadly happens often enough.
It works either way
But it can be done within a consensual power exchange. Both sides can almost regress to their basic primal sexuality. The submissive can feel overpowered, used, helpless, hurt and punished while the dominant can feel the rush of power, the sexual pleasure and lack of inhibition. I deliberately wrote “both sides” because humans are such sophisticated animals that it works with either sex in either way.
There are of course other aspects to dominance (and submission). It often involves a very caring and protecting element. And this is part of the power exchange. I receive the right to take my sexual pleasure, to satisfy my primal urges and to mete out punishments but I also promise to care for and protect her. There is a good reason why most people regard aftercare as such an important part of play.
Maybe to put it very succinctly but also a bit blunt
Dominance is situated in my cock while submission lives in my head.